Temperament & Infant Development

What type of temperament does your child have? Whether calm or a real go-getter, her personality will play a role in her development.

All sorts of milestones are reached in the first eighteen months of a child's life. The first smile, first words, and first steps name but a few. And while there are guidelines that help us predict approximately when our infants may reach these milestones, these estimates are not written in stone. In fact, Infant Development Consultant, Karen Pealo, feels parents are doing themselves and their children a favor by not taking these developmental guidelines too seriously. "It's very difficult not to measure your kids, but you do need to step back and allow your kid to be himself and to relax around those issues. Try not to compare children, and try to look at your child as a whole."

Pealo adds that "temperament defines how a child approaches the world and where their particular interests lie. But it's not going to define his intelligence level at all. If you have a child that is quieter and more observant," explains Pealo, "then he may actually have greater skills in language or some of the fine motor and play skills."

Developmental Delays

When your child isn't meeting the common milestones, particularly after the first year of life, you might begin to suspect a developmental delay. Often a child who is developmentally delayed will have something in his history that might predispose him to a delay. "To be developmentally delayed means that you have something in your birth history or a condition which will result in your development being slightly slower than typical", says Pealo. "An example would be that perhaps you're slower to achieve motor milestones such as rolling over, or sitting, or becoming mobile."

If you are worried about your child's development, it is important to have these concerns addressed by an expert and the best place to begin is with your child's doctor. 

Clinging

Does your baby balk at the sight of a new face, or even a familiar one like grandma or grandpa? Don't worry, it's just a phase that will pass in time.

At around eight months of age something happens to most babies. Almost overnight your happy, gurgling bundle of joy becomes a clinging infant, balking at the sight of everyone from his regular sitter to Grandma. It's all because of stranger anxiety. While this may sound like a frightening disorder, this clinging behavior is a normal part of a baby's development.

Renowned pediatrician, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, author of many parenting books including "Touchpoints", explains that "stranger anxiety represents a big burst in intellectual development, because the child at eight months suddenly realizes that there's a difference between mommy and her sister, or daddy and his brother, or somebody really close. It's like a revelation, wow, I can tell the difference! Of course it becomes critically important to them, so when daddy's brother, or daddy's father or mommy's mommy comes into the room they look at them, see the difference, and then register it by stranger anxiety."

Once we realize why babies go through stranger anxiety, it's much easier to cope with. "Instead of seeing it as a negative," says Dr. Brazelton "you can go, oh, I can tell my mother not to go rushing up to her, to wait and let her come to her." This is the sort of thing you need to respect at eight months.

As your baby matures and becomes a little more self reliant, the clinging behavior associated with stranger anxiety will pass. In the meantime you may need to give your baby a few extra hugs and allow a little extra time to adjust to a new face. 

Sibling Rivalry and Fights

Sibling rivalry may be inevitable, but there are still ways to get our kids to show a little respect for one another.

When it comes to relationships between siblings, most of us hope that our children have more good times together than bad. Still, expecting that brothers and sisters will never fight is probably unrealistic, according to Dr. Penelope Leach, renowned child psychologist and author. She says sibling rivalry is simply a fact of family life. "I think fights between siblings are inevitable. And there are phases when siblings actually enjoy fighting. Sometimes parents worry too much and intervene too quickly."

Many experts feel that refereeing every fight can add to the rifts and take away the opportunity for children to negotiate their own solutions. "Still," says Leach, "if a child is being hurt physically or emotionally, then a parent must intervene and insist on decent behavior."

Leach adds that parents "shouldn't be too eager to assure each sibling that they love each other, because if people aren't feeling loving that doesn't help. But parents can help siblings be civil to each other by insisting from the beginning that feelings are your own, but behavior is public. You do not have the right to behave badly to your sibling. You don't have to be best friends, you don't have to share everything, but you must behave decently in the family."

Psychologist and family therapist, Dr. Michael Elterman agrees that with siblings who are around the same age, a few ground rules around fighting are all that's usually required. "Where you're dealing with children that are of a similar age and intellectual level, the rules should be that arguing verbally is okay and parents need not get involved. But the rules are that if there is any violence at all such as hitting or harming the other person's property or invasion of their personal space, parents become involved."

However, Elterman adds that parents need to more carefully monitor fighting when there's a significant age difference between the children. "Sibling rivalry between a 3 and 12 year old is something that parents will need to watch very carefully because the potential for manipulation and cheating the younger child out of things, and physical violence is much greater."

Finally, on the upside, Elterman adds that rivalry does have its pluses because it teaches children about negotiation. "What I think we want to teach children is that they learn problem solving skills and to generate alternatives to fighting."

First Friends

Socializing is one of the most complex skills a child will learn. As parents, we can do a lot to help them develop these skills positively.

Even as toddlers, friends play a special role in children's lives. Friendship helps build self esteem and teach empathy. But the seeds of friendship begin before the toddler years, planted when our children are still infants.

Child psychiatrist Dr. Alice Charach explains that "friendship actually begins at birth because the basic building block of friendship is that special relationship between a child and his parent. After children have developed really strong, trusting relationships with their mom or dad, they can then go on and expand their world." Dr. Charach adds that "children start to expand their world around age one or two, when they become interested in other children. They want to be with them, play with them, and watch them. And that is when it's really helpful for parents to start coaching them in what is the best way in getting along with other children."

Making friends begins with learning how to play. "The first type of play that you’ll see your child engage in is solitary play," says child life specialist Bindy Sweet. That means playing alone or watching others. People get concerned about children playing alone or watching others and they think that it isn’t really play. But it’s fine for children to have time alone and watch others."

At about 18 months we begin to see children engage in parallel play. "That’s the kind of play we often get when toddlers get together," says Sweet. "They’re playing side by side but doing different things. They’re getting comfortable with each other and watching each other, but we wouldn’t really call it interactive play at that point. Soon however they will move into co-operative play where you see that back and forth exchange and communication."

During the toddler years friendship can involve little fights and bouts of crying. But Dr. Charach says many fights can be avoided by preparing children for visits with friends. "If you want to help young children develop friendships, then make sure they're not tired and hungry when they're with little friends. Help them feel good at the time that they're with their friends and they are more likely to have positive experiences."

Aggression and Anger in Young Children

At around a year or 18 months of age, many parents notice a change in children’s behavior, as they turn from a lovable cuddly infant to an aggressive little tyke.

Biting, hitting, kicking. Is toddler aggression normal? Many toddler’s go through a phase where hitting, biting, even kicking are commonplace behaviors. But rest assured. Although this aggressive stage isn’t pleasant it is quite normal, according to child psychiatrist, Dr. Sarah Landy. “Toddlers do need to go through an aggressive stage because that’s a part of becoming their own person,” explains Dr. Landy. “Part of that aggression is to enable them to become their own person and part of it is to help them to feel strong, which is a part of growing up.”

Fortunately, not only does this stage not last long, but also there are things we can teach our children about working out their anger and aggression. “From about three to five we would expect to see a dropping off of aggressive behavior,” says Dr. Landy. “We can help them with this by teaching them to talk about their anger rather than hitting, or (children can) play out their anger through toys. Encouraging those ways of dealing with anger is very important in preschool children.”

Dr.Landy adds that while many parents have trouble seeing their children display angry feelings, it’s actually unrealistic to expect young children to always be calm, cool and collect. In fact sometimes their anger is justified and as parents our goal shouldn’t be to squelch the emotion, but to teach children to express their anger in a healthy, non-violent manner. Dr. Landy says “to expect a child to be good, not to express anger, can be detrimental over the long term for the child and result in anxiety and fears and can result in explosive anger. They may contain their anger for a period of time and then in a period of time, they may explode.”

So the next time your child appears angry, try to “reflect the angry emotion,” suggests Dr. Landy. “Say something like, "my goodness but you look angry. Have you had a bad day?" It acknowledges that anger is okay and that it's okay to be upset if you've had a bad day." It also helps them to give a name to the emotion and how to use words, rather than hitting, to express it.